God of all things?

This is the second time I'm updating this blog. Wonder of wonder. I guess I have a few things to say, to get them off my chest and I don't think they're that personal so I guess typing it out here is safe. I was just talking to Luis, yeah the same guy whom I have known for a long time, when I was this lonely new kid in UWC. Talking to him always cheers me up because despite being completely tactless most of the time, he can say the right things to cheer me up.

I was just telling him how I miss those days in Kindergarten when we can just be who we are without people making snide comments about your appearence, your hairstyle, your looks, the type of accessories you own, the friends you keep and everything else. I miss those days when we can roam around happily and freely without having to worry about what kind of image you are actually portraying to others about yourself.

But now, people judge us by the first impression and if you make a wrong first impression, no one is going to bother to even find out if that is really you. They won't care to know who you really are, they'll just black list you based on the first impression you made on them. No matter how hard you try, they'll still stare at you, smirk at you and vaguely attempt to be polite when you are around, most of the time not really caring whether their remarks hurt your feelings or not. I realized people are so much more artificial and superficial when they grow up. Where did all our innocence go?

Where are those happy go lucky little babies that we were in Kindergarten, loving and caring for everyone. Telling God to keep them safe in our daily prayer before bed? Did those innocent things fade away just like that? Did they disappear from the face of the world?

Luis gave me a valuable advice which he gave me long ago. He told me, there is only one person in the world who'll always be true to you, be loyal to you, will lend you a shoulder to cry on, will cheer for you, point out your mistakes, love you and care for you. And that person is yourself. Because you can never lie to yourself. You cannot betray yourself. You are the only one who knows what you are going through and you are the only one who can provide the support that you need. You are the only one who can love yourself for who you are. The rest of the people, we meet and interact with daily?

Some are good. Some genuinely wishes you well. Thinks of you in their prayers. But the hard part is to discern between them and the overwhelming number of artificial pseudo friends that swarm around you, waiting to take advantage of you then leave you down on the floor bleeding. Then Luis asked me if I believed in God. I said no. He said something simple. He told me, most of us believe in God because we want something to hold on to. We want something that will help us cope with this superficiality in society. We all think God is benovelent, fair and just. We all turn to him, our faith in him, to escape this superficial nature of people around us. We are suspicious of everyone we meet, thinking constantly whether this new "friend" is indeed a friend or a foe. We live under constant suspicion because we know if we trust one wrong person, he or she can ruin you for life. We are all vulnerable to competition. I guess our generation is getting the full blast of the notion "Survival of the fittest". In a mad rush to become the fittest, we lose our ability to trust.

We should not be blamed for it, in fact circumstances made us this way. How can you be sure that the friend you helped today with integrity will not stab you in the back tomorrow to gain his or her own benefits? This kind of thing is not unheard of. It had happened to people before and as we experience how it feels vicariously through our friends. So Luis thinks that's why we turn to God because religion teaches us about God's perfection. Turning to God, reminds us there is still justice left in the world. That when the whole world is against you, it reminds you God will be there to help you cross your hurdles.

I admire Luis's sentiments but I remain agnostic. I cannot accept God's existance because if he was indeed the benevolent, just and fair diety that we worship, the world would be a different place. When I look around me, all I see is sorrow. I see people pretending to be someone who they are not just to fit in. Why? Because they are afraid. They are afraid that they may not be fit enough to survive in our world anymore. They are afraid they'll be villified and ridiculed for being imperfect. Where is the justice in that?

Symposium...

I just returned from VJC. Went there for the Symposium. I think we did well, just anxiously awaiting to know if we did well enough to get through to the finals. I mean we kept our presentation simple and yet we were able to convey our message to the judges (I think). We stumbled upon IJC's presentation while waiting in the holding room and they used 1001 economics jargons like Injections, Withdrawals, Multiplier Effect, Aggregate Expenditure and more. I mean I wonder how they faired, especially since few of the student judges were not Econs student. I think.

I like our presentation because we kept it simple. Even some without any Econs background would be able to comprehend what we are trying to say.

While coming back from Symposium, I was thinking about it in the cab. I realized in less than 2 weeks how 3 completely different people came together, discussed up a presentation, spent hours in school trying to perfect it and yet managed to have a lot of fun in the process. Before the Symposium I knew who Kemp and Mus were but I only knew them by face. I didnot know what kind of people they were, their personalities or character. But now I know a lot more about them and we have become good friends now. I guess facilitating this smooth transition between 3 strangers was Mr. Syn, who did not mind at all staying back with us as late as 9 pm, helping us with the presentation. We actually had to be chased out of the school by the school attendent. Lol. He stuck with us for the past 2 weeks and if we do get through to the finals, it'll be a tribute to his dedication, commitment and also his patience in putting up with us. He's a real cool guy and I found out he actually went to the Mosaic Music Festival to watch Rachael Yamagata. Lol!

How unfair! Everyone I know who knows and has heard of her went to watch her perform. Now I feel so left out. Anyway Guitar SYF tomorrow. Hopefully we can get a Gold with Honours or at least a Gold. After that I want to distance myself from the dirty politics going on in Guitar. I hate it. But it did help me to recognize who my true friends are and also allowed me to see the true character of some people whom I used to care for a lot. Oh well...

I was just having a chat with this old friend of mine, Ivan from UWCSEA. He was talking about how stressful his life is, especially with the IB around the corner. He was telling me that for the past 5 months he had no social life, no rest, no relaxation and even he gave up his jamming session with his band. Actually before he told me all of this, I messaged to him, complaining about how stressful my life is. Lol. Let's see, Common Test 2 just ended, Common Test 3 is in May. SAT is in June. Prelim is in August. A levels in November. Phew! Means mug mug mug. I better get on with it. I cannot afford to screw this up. If I do, I must learn how to use a broom cuz that's what I'll end up doing. *mugs*

Tired. Yawn.

Well maths was just maths. No comments.

Random thing to say. I realized that say out of 10 friends, 7 of them are like guys. I don't know why, but I just get along better with guys because I share similar interests with them and in a totally non-butch style so Ryan, Daryl and Salem, before you go all anti-butch on me, read the words in bold. Lol!

I am going to play Maple Story now. Yeah, gay girly childish but liberating. Spares me the headaches I get from playing Counter Strike and recently I have been getting pawned too many times. I couldn't even last 30 seconds into the game before some smart ass loser shot me dead. It was frustrating, considering how I used to be good at it.

I am off now! Tomorrow, I have lessons. Such a drag. YJ is extremely good at raining down on our parades, destroying our post exam euphoria. *shakes head* CBBB! Not the swear words lah. Okay maybe they are. But who cares? Bleaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh!

Update! Oh joy! :D

Heh! I have a Lit paper in like 2 hours and all I am doing is using the school computer, doing a whole lot of things with absolutely zero productivity. Which includes tagging Daryl's blog under Teewawa's name. Hahahahahah! And then next to me some guys are organizing their anti butch campaign. Lol! It all started on Saturday during the Chancellor's Shield when they came up with this anti-butch thing. It's seriously funny! Lol!

And History was so smoothly done! I love my darling! Muahahahaha! No comments Daryl! :D