Booring

Apparently I have been nominated by school to go to the parliament on Budget Day as a spectator. I haven't collected the circular yet so I have no idea when it is or how to get there. But it should be fun, considering after living here for 7 years I finally get to see Parliament House up close instead of just speeding by it in our car.

Also, I am allowed to go to the NTU Economics seminar which means $7 is going out of my pocket tomorrow. Gaaah! But I think it'll be fun, especially since it's Economics. Okay confession time. I really really really love Economics and see it as a religion. Why? Because I am too bored to have a constructive social life. Anyway, my inclination towards the subject is only natural since everyone says I take after my father. Looks, attitude, interest. Sheesh. Yet the irony is that I do not wish to venture into the profession of Journalism despite having a good grasp of English. I wish to pursue my own profession, not step into my father's shoes. Not that I don't admire him for his work, but I wish for individuality.

Now I have to go. Aimi is teaching me German! German rocks! After grasping Spanish and meddling a little with Portuguese, I finally turned my attention to German. Oh joy! XD

Friends, te amo!!!!!

You know I just realized that in my frantic search for the ultimate friend, I have neglected a lot of people, who actually care about me. The past few days I have been obsessive and compulsive about friendship, always finding faults in people, getting myself distressed over it. Why? Because I wanted that perfect friend who will love me for who I am, laugh at my lame jokes and will always be there to watch my back. But now I just realized that I do have perfect friends! Friends who always laugh at my jokes, love me for who I am, are concerned for me if I don't show up in school. Yet here I was completely oblivious to their presence. And I feel guilty about it. You guys know who you are and I apologise for everything! You guys seriously rock and life in YJ would be nothing without your constant jokes, jibes, puns and everything else. I realized today that I don't need universal popularity to survive in society. I just need a tight pack of really great friends. And I think I have finally found them. <3

The life of me.....

Everyone around me seem to be struggling with their emotions. Some are upset by the loss of a friend, some by the loss of a lover and other, they are just simply upset and depressed. I feel like the thorn among the roses or vice versa. Something inside me tells me that I should feel the same way as people around me. I blame my nature to compromise myself to fit in, but how can I be so incredibly emotionless in an environment where its habbitants are filled with emotions?

When I laugh at silly jokes that Kingsley makes, or have animated conversations with Daryl and Ying Xia or even excitedly gossip about people with NingSih, I feel like I am hiding something inside me. When I am around these people, are these my real emotions? Do I truly feel happy in the company of my friends? No, do not misunderstand my intentions, I love my friends. But sometimes I feel like I am faking everything to appear so happy and joyful in front of them. Daryl once said in his blog that he admires my livelyness, my ability to remain cheerful all the time, but I feel like I have been deceiving him.

I am not cheerful. I can't be happy. I don't have any ounce of optimism left inside me. Insecurites have become my best friend. Lonliness excites me. The perception of failure intrigues me. Why? Why am I always putting up this facade in front of people? Why am I unable to let them see me. The real me. The one who isn't always cheerful or happy. The one who has so many insecurites in her life that sometimes her only option remains death. I live in a dark world, this darkness that surrounds me. I feel like I have built an iron wall around me to shield myself from everyone. I do not want them to see my vulnerability. My weakness. It scares me, to think that someone may look past me and see how fragile I am.

Everyday I long for freedom, I long to be taken away from here and be free in a place where I won't be afraid of who I am. I want to be able to tell everyone that I am not the perfect little girl that everyone sees me as but merely another carbon based life form trying to find it's place in this vast cavity that we call the Universe. I just want to be given a small space to live, I want to detach my strings from fate, hide from destiny and disappear from everyone's eyes. I just want to be all by myself, invisible, and do whatever I want to. I don't want any obstruction, any hurdles, any David vs Goliath situations in front of me. I just want to be me. The one who's lonely, depressed and insecure but likes it the way it is.

<3! There you go! That's emo! Muahahahahahah! I just felt like writing this. Don't take this too seriously. I was just practicing my writing style. Feel free to comment on it. Adios!

Huh?

I want to write something but I am feeling horribly lazy to do so. I'll eventually get around doing it because you know my tendency to overly express myself, much to the annoyance of some people. Tsk tsk. Never mind.