Everyone around me seem to be struggling with their emotions. Some are upset by the loss of a friend, some by the loss of a lover and other, they are just simply upset and depressed. I feel like the thorn among the roses or vice versa. Something inside me tells me that I should feel the same way as people around me. I blame my nature to compromise myself to fit in, but how can I be so incredibly emotionless in an environment where its habbitants are filled with emotions?
When I laugh at silly jokes that Kingsley makes, or have animated conversations with Daryl and Ying Xia or even excitedly gossip about people with NingSih, I feel like I am hiding something inside me. When I am around these people, are these my real emotions? Do I truly feel happy in the company of my friends? No, do not misunderstand my intentions, I love my friends. But sometimes I feel like I am faking everything to appear so happy and joyful in front of them. Daryl once said in his blog that he admires my livelyness, my ability to remain cheerful all the time, but I feel like I have been deceiving him.
I am not cheerful. I can't be happy. I don't have any ounce of optimism left inside me. Insecurites have become my best friend. Lonliness excites me. The perception of failure intrigues me. Why? Why am I always putting up this facade in front of people? Why am I unable to let them see me. The real me. The one who isn't always cheerful or happy. The one who has so many insecurites in her life that sometimes her only option remains death. I live in a dark world, this darkness that surrounds me. I feel like I have built an iron wall around me to shield myself from everyone. I do not want them to see my vulnerability. My weakness. It scares me, to think that someone may look past me and see how fragile I am.
Everyday I long for freedom, I long to be taken away from here and be free in a place where I won't be afraid of who I am. I want to be able to tell everyone that I am not the perfect little girl that everyone sees me as but merely another carbon based life form trying to find it's place in this vast cavity that we call the Universe. I just want to be given a small space to live, I want to detach my strings from fate, hide from destiny and disappear from everyone's eyes. I just want to be all by myself, invisible, and do whatever I want to. I don't want any obstruction, any hurdles, any David vs Goliath situations in front of me. I just want to be me. The one who's lonely, depressed and insecure but likes it the way it is.
<3! There you go! That's emo! Muahahahahahah! I just felt like writing this. Don't take this too seriously. I was just practicing my writing style. Feel free to comment on it. Adios!