This is the second time I'm updating this blog. Wonder of wonder. I guess I have a few things to say, to get them off my chest and I don't think they're that personal so I guess typing it out here is safe. I was just talking to Luis, yeah the same guy whom I have known for a long time, when I was this lonely new kid in UWC. Talking to him always cheers me up because despite being completely tactless most of the time, he can say the right things to cheer me up.
I was just telling him how I miss those days in Kindergarten when we can just be who we are without people making snide comments about your appearence, your hairstyle, your looks, the type of accessories you own, the friends you keep and everything else. I miss those days when we can roam around happily and freely without having to worry about what kind of image you are actually portraying to others about yourself.
But now, people judge us by the first impression and if you make a wrong first impression, no one is going to bother to even find out if that is really you. They won't care to know who you really are, they'll just black list you based on the first impression you made on them. No matter how hard you try, they'll still stare at you, smirk at you and vaguely attempt to be polite when you are around, most of the time not really caring whether their remarks hurt your feelings or not. I realized people are so much more artificial and superficial when they grow up. Where did all our innocence go?
Where are those happy go lucky little babies that we were in Kindergarten, loving and caring for everyone. Telling God to keep them safe in our daily prayer before bed? Did those innocent things fade away just like that? Did they disappear from the face of the world?
Luis gave me a valuable advice which he gave me long ago. He told me, there is only one person in the world who'll always be true to you, be loyal to you, will lend you a shoulder to cry on, will cheer for you, point out your mistakes, love you and care for you. And that person is yourself. Because you can never lie to yourself. You cannot betray yourself. You are the only one who knows what you are going through and you are the only one who can provide the support that you need. You are the only one who can love yourself for who you are. The rest of the people, we meet and interact with daily?
Some are good. Some genuinely wishes you well. Thinks of you in their prayers. But the hard part is to discern between them and the overwhelming number of artificial pseudo friends that swarm around you, waiting to take advantage of you then leave you down on the floor bleeding. Then Luis asked me if I believed in God. I said no. He said something simple. He told me, most of us believe in God because we want something to hold on to. We want something that will help us cope with this superficiality in society. We all think God is benovelent, fair and just. We all turn to him, our faith in him, to escape this superficial nature of people around us. We are suspicious of everyone we meet, thinking constantly whether this new "friend" is indeed a friend or a foe. We live under constant suspicion because we know if we trust one wrong person, he or she can ruin you for life. We are all vulnerable to competition. I guess our generation is getting the full blast of the notion "Survival of the fittest". In a mad rush to become the fittest, we lose our ability to trust.
We should not be blamed for it, in fact circumstances made us this way. How can you be sure that the friend you helped today with integrity will not stab you in the back tomorrow to gain his or her own benefits? This kind of thing is not unheard of. It had happened to people before and as we experience how it feels vicariously through our friends. So Luis thinks that's why we turn to God because religion teaches us about God's perfection. Turning to God, reminds us there is still justice left in the world. That when the whole world is against you, it reminds you God will be there to help you cross your hurdles.
I admire Luis's sentiments but I remain agnostic. I cannot accept God's existance because if he was indeed the benevolent, just and fair diety that we worship, the world would be a different place. When I look around me, all I see is sorrow. I see people pretending to be someone who they are not just to fit in. Why? Because they are afraid. They are afraid that they may not be fit enough to survive in our world anymore. They are afraid they'll be villified and ridiculed for being imperfect. Where is the justice in that?