Deathly Hallows...

Just read Deathly Hallows. I won't say much here for the obvious reasons of spoilers but I can't remember crying so hard over a book. And I started tearing right from the begining because first and foremost, holding the book in my hands gave me a shrewd reminder that this is the end of the Harry Potter phenomenon. The 10 year saga, through which I practically grew up, has finally come to an end. Suddenly after reading the last word of the book, I felt as if a large chunk of me has fallen off. Even as I write this, I feel so horribly emotional because I can't believe that everything is over. No longer are we going to be treated into the fabulous world of magic and Hogwarts or witness the tyranny of Lord Voldemort and his cronies or hear the usually unintelligable words of wisdom from Albus Dumbledore. When I read Half Blood Prince, I didnot even tear up at Dumbledore's death. No I simply felt, well it was more like Surely Snape has a good reason for what he did.

I cried particularly hard at Snape's death. (This isn't much of a giveaway since most of us knew he was going to get snuffed in the end) It wasn't the honourable death that we had all expected him to receive. No he died rather pathetically, killed by Voldemort not for the reasons of being a traitor but for something else...I guess part of the reason why I teared up so miserably is because deep down inside me I hoped he'd survive. That he'd be honoured by the wizarding world for his sacrifices. His bravery and loyalty. But he died and I guess if Snape was real, that'd be the way he would've wanted to go.

I enjoyed the Snape/Lily shipper, something most of us had once again guessed correctly ever since Jo mentioned something big about Lily would be revealed and also Dumbledore's cast iron excuse to trust Snape. Harry Potter fans are not dumb you know, we can indeed add 2+2 without the aid of magic. :) I enjoyed the flashbacks (i.e. Snape's memories with his approval if I may add) that Harry saw in the Penesive. The young Sev was just so adorable and it pains me to envisiage he actually joined the Death Eaters. But nevertheless I appreciate Rowling giving backbone to the Snape/Lily shipper even though it was one sided. Another point of delight is that both Snape and Lily in their years at Hogwarts acknowledged they were BEST FRIENDS. I can almost imagine the plethora of fanfictions that are going to prop up on various Harry Potter communities.

I hated a certain someone's death. He was just awesome and shouldn't have died. Jo didn't do justice to his otherwise lovable character. His death occurs at Pg 538 British edition. You should know who if you've read the book. That was gut wrenching and I cried a lot over it. He was one of my favourite. I also hated a couple's death. No really a couple but you can guess who I am talking about. I expected him to survive but now I guess the Marauders are all reunited in afterlife! Happy thing!

Let's see another part that made me go aww was the Malfoys at the end. How they cuddled up together and held each other. They had no friends (all their friends were power hungry DEs lead by a lunatic), only each other. I never expected such display of affection from them. I think JKR did them justice. <3 Malfoys.

2 of my favourite creatures died. Why! It is sad. I will miss them terribly especially the one who worked in Hogwarts. :(

That's all I can say. The rest of the book was action packed and I thoroughly enjoyed it. I just wish the Order of the Phoneix, most of them, didn't die. Especially the guy on Pg 539 and Snape. :(

Man I sure feel empty now that the suspense is over.

The epilogue made me cry again because 19 years have passed! Since all of them died. It's a personal issue...don't bother. But Albus Severus Potter is just the most adorable kid in the world! James Harry Potter reminds us so much of James Potter Sr. Haha! You'll know what I am talking about. And Scorpius Malfoy. Hahah! Jo should definitely write another series documenting the rivalry between Albus Severus Potter and Scorpius Draco Malfoy. :D

Bottomline: I love Severus Snape! And the entire series and I have found some respect for Mr. Scarhead now that he acknowledges Snape as the bravest man he ever met rather than a greasy git. :D

I guess after reading Harry Potter one can look at death a little more optimistically. Dunno why I said that but...that's just how I feel.

Reflection...

I actually managed to get a lot of studying done despite oversleeping, hence, missing school. I revised my History and Math quite intensely but I still think there's that enthusiasm missing in me. I used to have so much of it when I was in Sec 2. I used to find sheer joy in studying and nowadays I just cannot concentrate. I mean sitting down and studying for a solid half an hour has become a challenge for me whereas when I was younger I used to study for 2-3 hours solid without any breaks at all. That explains the dip in my grades. I used to be a straight A student and now I'm barely getting any As.

And everday I hear how NUS, NTU and SMU are becoming more stringent over their admission criteria and only admitting the best of the best. Even some straight A cases are not getting into the course of their choice. Then I see my progress report and I get so depressed. These shouldn't be the grades for me. I am capable of better grades. I know I have enough calibre and intelligence in me to get all As. But for the last 3 years I have been feeling so dazed, out of focus. I guess that attributes to my not-so-impressive O level results. I don't think I can afford to have a repitation of that fiasco. This is my last chance to redeem myself, to decide on a good career and work hard for it. If I screw up my A levels, I am finished for life. I have one shot, one opportunity and I just can't blow it.

It feels good now, getting that bit above off my chest. I spoke to my cousin about this problem and she gave me a good piece of advice. She told me I can overcome this concentration deficiency by forcing my will over my mind. I must tell my mind not to wonder off but focus on studying. I must assert self control over myself and will myself to study. She also told me to somehow find that similar joy I used to feel while studying 4 years back. I must love the new things I learn. Gaah. Ok, enough of I will do this or that. I've decided from tomorrow onwards, I'll take control of my life. I'll force myself to sit down and study for solid 2-5 hours.

Prelims are in 6 weeks time, A levels in 4 months. I am not going to go down without a fight. Time to wake up, work hard and kick ass! Hell yeah! :D

What would you do?

I wonder where it will all end. These uncertainties that linger over my head, the screaming pessimism in my head. The thumping of my heart against my ribs as fear rushes through my vein, my vision blurs and I hear the drums beating my ears. I know I am preparing myself for war. I was taught to be fearless yet my torso shakes with fear. The agony of waiting, watching, waiting and anticipating, knowing well that the worst is yet to come. What would you do?

Coupling

I want Coupling Series 1-4 on DVD! I'm simply hooked to the show. I just love Jeff's semi-Scottish, semi-Irish accent. Yes in case you are wondering, they are different accents. And I love Patrick's cool headedness and Steve's whinning. Jack Davenport is of course teh darling. <3 But seriously I want Coupling on DVD! *sobs*

Not cool!

JACK DAVENPORT! You do not look hot in that long messy hair style. I understand the pirate in you is wanting to immitate Jack Sparrow for whatever reason God knows, you are far better off with that cute nerdy neat hairstyle you had when you were shooting Coupling. Please get you damn hair cut you bloody Brit.

Pirates ranting. Arrr!

I watched At World's End once more. I don't know why but I guess I was desperate to shake this feeling off me that told me AWE sucked. The first time I saw it, I was horrified by the character development. I hated the way how Jack Sparrow became a secondary character, Davy became a secondary antagonist and how the producers killed off Norrington when they built up such a powerful character at the end of DMC. Yes, I honestly thought Norrington would get more screen time and would have somewhat of an instrumental role in the end, i.e. switching sides, betraying Beckett. Besides that, there were many unwanted scenes that the movie could've done without. Like voting Elizabeth the Pirate King. First of all, it should've been a Pirate Queen but more importantly it was uncalled for. She was given too much of an importance in this movie as compared to the first two. That is perfectly normal for someone watching Pirates for the first time but to those of us deligently following the storyline it was uncalled for. I felt the plot was a mess, all over the place.

And Will, the new captain of the Dutchman? Well better than Jack becoming the captain which, would've been all too predictable. Still I felt disappointed by the lack of importance Davy Jones received in this movie. And Norrington as well (partly because Jack Davenport's drop dead hot and sexy but that aside...).

But I guess what saved the movie was probably the top notch acting by the cast. Yes there was great chemistry between Rush and Depp and the constant bickering of Barbossa and Sparrow, just adorable but sometimes over the top. The tension between Will and Elizabeth was well orchestrated and the old sparks between James and Liz was nice. I liked the kiss, because it was poignant and well gentle and...need I go on? And the thing that hit the jackpot was the awesome special effects! Especially towards the end, when they lined up for battle. The Black Pearl vs the Flying Dutchman. It was mindblowing, spectacular. This reminds me, the whole releasing of Calypso was just waste of screen time. I mean we did not need to see a 20 feet tall giant Tia Dalma dissipating into hundreds of crabs. No. I particularly enjoyed the battle between the Pearl and the Dutchman and that whirlpool.

Let's see. Oh yes, Tom Hollander! He has officially made me a fan. When I first saw him in DMC I thought he was a dickhead, similar to how much scorn I directed towards Norrington after CoTBP. The way he portrayed Beckett, it was just amazing. Especially at the end, when both the Pearl and the Dutchman fired at his ship, he just stood there, stunned, expressionless, only muttering, "It's just good business..." I felt I could seriously jump into the screen and kiss him. Hot and incredibly sexy.

Why are all Navy officers such stuck up arses in their first impression? Hmmm? Then drop dead sexy and gorgeous in the subsequent ones? Damn you Norrington! Damn you Beckett! And there goes my muse again. Never mind.

I'd still give AWE a 4 out of 5. I still stand by CoTBP. It's the best of the 3. I hope there'll be more of Pirates. Arrrr!

PS: I forgot to mention, Johnny looked hot as ever! :D

Emo Post about friends

You know I thought by the time people reach Junior Colleges, they'll be mature enough to leave their superficial artificial selves behind and approach life in a mature and open-minded way. But I realize that was just me thinking of bullshit. People are still the same egoistic, self centered and backstabbing teens that they were in Secondary school. And yes, sad to say some of my classmates are exact representation of these people. They are always looking for someone to hate, someone to bully to vet their own insecure appetites. Whether it's me or someone else, I do not particularly care but they are always on to it. It's like as if they cannot accept anyone who treads a different path than what is considered a norm.

Come to think of it, it'll be selfish to describe all of my classmates in this manner. No there are some really genuinely nice people who are not judgemental, vindictive and not looking for a poor soul to bully. Like Christine. Last year I used to avoid her under the pretense that she'll probably be judgemental of me and that if I ended up on her bad side, she'll not like me and stuff. But this year as I got to know her better, I realized she is a really nice person to talk to and not at all the type of person I envisioned her to be last year.

Then there's people like Ryan, Salem. Always nice to talk to them whenever I am in need for a good laugh.

Finally there are 2 people in my class whom I feel I can trust my life with. And ironically they are the first 2 friends I made in YJ. Ying Xia and Daryl. They've really stuck by me even when I was being reserved and ignorant and they never fail to share a joke with me or they never get tired of me bitching about YJC and other things in life. I always have such a great time with Ying Xia bullshitting about all the absurdities and abnormalities in life and I have fun stoning with Daryl during lectures.

You know after we graduate from YJ, I think I'll probably end up keeping in touch with these 2 people because they're genuine friends. They're not fake, I know they'll never backstab me and I'm pretty sure in times of dire needs they'll stick by me. I guess life would have been very different if I wasn't in YJ or if I wasn't in 121/221.

Well despite my outright agnostic attitude, I thank God everyday for giving me a blessed family, a pair of jokers (Luis and Ian), my friends (like Sharon, Rat, Arnie, Jen...) and also amazing school friends like YX and Daryl.

I love them all!

And in the true word's of Nick Carraway, I feel that "reserving judgement is a matter of infinite hope."

Books and Weather - What a non sequiter!

I am not going to bitch about school except for the horrible weather. When my British friends complain about the terrible London weather, I wish they'd be instantly teleported to Singapore and experience the heat wave that is constantly inflicting it's presence on us. The temparature is hot, humid and it has that sticky feeling to it. Urgh. School is becoming a drag because of this. I only enjoy lessons in the LTs or in the air-conditioned classrooms. At least it prevents me from dozing off from the immense heat. The library is another safe heaven to escape from the heat. Lol. But I do miss the study area. That used to be my safe heaven in JC1 when I was living the life of a hermit, towards the begining of the year.

Besides the crappy weather, I was so bored during my free period (yeah someone please shout and remind me A levels are in 5 months' time) that I came up with a reading list. Something to get a indepth insight to the subjects I am studying.

For Whom The Bell Tolls - Ernest Hemingway - nearly finished
Farewell to Arms - Hemingway - finished
Age of Innocence - Edith Wharton - reading
1984- George Orwell
The World is Flat - Thomas Friedman
Jude, The Obscure - Thomas Hardy
Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen - finished
Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen - finished
God of Small Things - Arundhuti Roy - finished

I'll update the list as and when I come across a new book. :)

Miserable day

I hate being sick. The worst part is that the flu bug or virus or whatever it is refuses to go away. It refuses to leave me alone! I have been coughing my lungs out for the past 2 weeks. I finished my antibiotics course, all the other medicines the doctor gave and even emptied a packet of panadol in the span of 14 days and when I went to college today I still felt like crap. I felt like as if I'll drop dead any second. The only good thing in an otherwise sucky day was Mr. Spencer. He never fails to make me laugh. Apparently he noticed my "condition" and promised to be nice to me for the day. LOL! Funny guy. If there's one thing I'll miss about YJ it's definitely him. Because he's a true educationalist (as Ms Aminah said) and a commedian. My Dad is also very impressed with him, since he met him last year during PTD. He says all Lit teachers should be a little eccentric like Mr. Spencer. Heh.

Then there was GP. Thank goodness we went to Comp Lab to do our Student's General Certificate. It's the school's way of being extremely lame. Well I wrote down my 3 most significant competitions to the school. Guitar. CVD. Competitions. Blah. I wished for a moment that instead of Guitar I was able to write Debate. All those debate trainings, late night grindings flashed in my mind but I decided to keep them in the past. Debate and YJ. Well they never happened. I'll deny it. I'll probably take up debate in university again.

Then had Econs lecture. It was...not interesting for some reason. Yeah I remember because the LT was fucking cold (I was sitting right under the air-con) and Mr. Syn spoke too loudly into the microphone and my ears hurt. Thankfully one brave soul mentioned this to him and he got relatively softer. Oh but his mispronunciations were funny. Poor guys.

History was urgh. By then I was a walking zombie. SBQ sucks. I swear I hate that. I'd rather write 400000000000 essays than 1 SBQ. It's just so analytical and yeah essays require in depth analysis but SBQ is just so SUCKY. Man that pretty much sums up my miserable day. Oh and it was raining. One of those annoying days when all you want to do is cuddle under your blanket and sleep rather than to travel from Pasir Ris to Yishun. Grrrr.

Sometimes I really wish I had chosen Meridian instead of deciding to stay on at YJ. Damn. But I guess I wouldn't have met my wonderful classmates and Mr. Spencer otherwise. Heh. I love my class. Well most of them. The ones I speak to regularly. They're really nice people. Had an awesome time bitching about YJ with Christine during our common break. Last year I didn't speak to her much but this year I found out she's a really cool person to talk to. :D

And guess what? I know a secret! Courtesy of Ningsih Utomo.

Oh and I almost forgot. I watched Spidey yesterday. It was ok except for the ending. Can't give away the spoiler but seriously a certain someone shouldn't have died. What happened to Happily Everafter? Hmph! Ciao.

Homework beckons. Maths. Yay. *sarcasm*

Ikea hot dogs are love

Man I am addicted to Ikea hot dogs. They're yum. It's so convenient to have a huge Ikea store in your neighbourhood. Me likes!

Idol Gives Back

Was watching American Idol : Idols Give Back on Star World. I like the concept of making it a Charity event instead of the usual Idol Perform Idol Eliminated shows. It was touching to hear Ellen Degenres announce in the middle of the show that so far from all the incoming calls they raised US$30 million.

I felt touched by the videos they showed where Ryan and Simon went to visit families in Africa, all of them have at least one member who is HIV positive. Then another video showed how many African children die from Malaria every day. It was really touching and it made me all mellow and emotional. I really hope these people can find their salvation at the hands of the international community. I mean we focus so much on combatting terrorism and corruption but we fail to see that AIDS, MALARIA, HUNGER and POVERTY are so much worse. They're more dangerous and they consume more lives everyday than all the terrorist organizations put together. Maybe I am exaggerating but you get the idea right?

Anyway this particular performance by Josh Groban with African kids really touched my heart. I have always loved the song You Raise Me Up but this was just...this left me speechless.

Dark Throne

Damn Dark Throne is addictive. Just what I needed to shatter my concentration in preparation for the A levels.

This post serves as a testament to my dear friend's stupidity :)

Some people are just born stupid. And this certain person (of course I don't need to be implicit, most of them know who it is) is a testament to just how stupid a person can be. Lol. Its funny sometimes how these idiots can come up with 101 reasons to hate you. Kind of explains their stupidity. I mean we all learn Econs and we all know TIME is our biggest scarcity and you'd think these people would find a better way to utilize their time than trying to find reasons to hate people. Tsk tsk. Anyway, our sentiments are mutual. Actually I disgrace myself by saying that because I cannot just believe I wasted 1 second of my precious life to think about that person then another second to hate that person and another 1 more second to actually type it out here. That's 3 seconds worth of my life gone. Oh my God. *shrieking laughter* Hint hint.

I am bored. Waiting for Ms Aminah's lesson to start. Should be fantastic (yes I am NOT being sarcastic). I mean she is funny and on Saturday we found out she has a sentimental side to her. Stop laughing! And there's this Daryl (De La Crap according to Salem's blog) who's playing some shitass game called Dark Throne and constantly accusing Ryan. Grow up Daryl. Haha.

Midsummer Night's Phantom Opera. Makes sense?

New post again. Lol.


Dad got us tickets to







It rocks to have a father like him. The benefits are countless. Business Times rocks! He rocks! Wheee!

On a random note: I did not know that Luis Figo is actually still with Inter Milan and not some stupid shit ass Arabic club he was rumoured to have signed for. Yay!

G.R.E.Y

Do I feel like we deserved better? Yes. Maybe not Gold with honours but definitely Gold. The way they were giving out GWH, we were so sure that we'll get a Gold. I mean VJ got a gold and their performance was not as good as ours. The only thing we could hear from their performance was their precussionists. Hello? This is central judging for GUITAR not precussionists! That was annoying.

It took a while to sink in. After the results, I saw everyone tried to keep a straight face, remain as stoic as possible so as to conceal the vulnerability and the tears that threatened to pour. We gave it our best but alas we were not rewarded accordingly.

Now there is no point crying over this as they will not change their decision. The only thing we can all do is look ahead to the future. Towards our A levels. And 20 years into the future when we reflect back on our SYF 2007, at least we can smile and feel proud of the closeness between everyone in G.R.E.Y. We are like a big family, everyone gets along even though there are instances of awkwardness or a bit of quarrel. But that's normal.

Do I regret being part of the SYF team? Do I regret sacrificing my lesson time and other free time to join the SYF team? Hell no! I feel damn proud of our Ensemble and even though the judges failed to recognize us for who we are, we sure did. We all know we played as good as any of the teams that got Gold. Yeah so what if our Ensemble is only 28 strong compared to other school's 50 strong? We are one close-knit group and I hope in the future our juniors can emulate our success and strive further to get a Gold or Gold with Honours to show everyone that you do not need to be a top five filthy rich school to get the recognition you deserve for your talent.

I am going to miss guitar. It's ironic to say because prior to SYF when the stress was overwhelming I actually regretted joining guitar. I felt I made a mistake. Now as I am thinking about it, I am realizing that no, guitar was not a mistake. It was the best thing that ever happened to me. I made new friends, I continued my hobby, I learnt how to play the guitar properly and I had a few laughs and tears along the way but it was all worth it. I will cherish this memory for the rest of my life. G.R.E.Y really changed my life and I wouldn't trade it for the world.

God of all things?

This is the second time I'm updating this blog. Wonder of wonder. I guess I have a few things to say, to get them off my chest and I don't think they're that personal so I guess typing it out here is safe. I was just talking to Luis, yeah the same guy whom I have known for a long time, when I was this lonely new kid in UWC. Talking to him always cheers me up because despite being completely tactless most of the time, he can say the right things to cheer me up.

I was just telling him how I miss those days in Kindergarten when we can just be who we are without people making snide comments about your appearence, your hairstyle, your looks, the type of accessories you own, the friends you keep and everything else. I miss those days when we can roam around happily and freely without having to worry about what kind of image you are actually portraying to others about yourself.

But now, people judge us by the first impression and if you make a wrong first impression, no one is going to bother to even find out if that is really you. They won't care to know who you really are, they'll just black list you based on the first impression you made on them. No matter how hard you try, they'll still stare at you, smirk at you and vaguely attempt to be polite when you are around, most of the time not really caring whether their remarks hurt your feelings or not. I realized people are so much more artificial and superficial when they grow up. Where did all our innocence go?

Where are those happy go lucky little babies that we were in Kindergarten, loving and caring for everyone. Telling God to keep them safe in our daily prayer before bed? Did those innocent things fade away just like that? Did they disappear from the face of the world?

Luis gave me a valuable advice which he gave me long ago. He told me, there is only one person in the world who'll always be true to you, be loyal to you, will lend you a shoulder to cry on, will cheer for you, point out your mistakes, love you and care for you. And that person is yourself. Because you can never lie to yourself. You cannot betray yourself. You are the only one who knows what you are going through and you are the only one who can provide the support that you need. You are the only one who can love yourself for who you are. The rest of the people, we meet and interact with daily?

Some are good. Some genuinely wishes you well. Thinks of you in their prayers. But the hard part is to discern between them and the overwhelming number of artificial pseudo friends that swarm around you, waiting to take advantage of you then leave you down on the floor bleeding. Then Luis asked me if I believed in God. I said no. He said something simple. He told me, most of us believe in God because we want something to hold on to. We want something that will help us cope with this superficiality in society. We all think God is benovelent, fair and just. We all turn to him, our faith in him, to escape this superficial nature of people around us. We are suspicious of everyone we meet, thinking constantly whether this new "friend" is indeed a friend or a foe. We live under constant suspicion because we know if we trust one wrong person, he or she can ruin you for life. We are all vulnerable to competition. I guess our generation is getting the full blast of the notion "Survival of the fittest". In a mad rush to become the fittest, we lose our ability to trust.

We should not be blamed for it, in fact circumstances made us this way. How can you be sure that the friend you helped today with integrity will not stab you in the back tomorrow to gain his or her own benefits? This kind of thing is not unheard of. It had happened to people before and as we experience how it feels vicariously through our friends. So Luis thinks that's why we turn to God because religion teaches us about God's perfection. Turning to God, reminds us there is still justice left in the world. That when the whole world is against you, it reminds you God will be there to help you cross your hurdles.

I admire Luis's sentiments but I remain agnostic. I cannot accept God's existance because if he was indeed the benevolent, just and fair diety that we worship, the world would be a different place. When I look around me, all I see is sorrow. I see people pretending to be someone who they are not just to fit in. Why? Because they are afraid. They are afraid that they may not be fit enough to survive in our world anymore. They are afraid they'll be villified and ridiculed for being imperfect. Where is the justice in that?

Symposium...

I just returned from VJC. Went there for the Symposium. I think we did well, just anxiously awaiting to know if we did well enough to get through to the finals. I mean we kept our presentation simple and yet we were able to convey our message to the judges (I think). We stumbled upon IJC's presentation while waiting in the holding room and they used 1001 economics jargons like Injections, Withdrawals, Multiplier Effect, Aggregate Expenditure and more. I mean I wonder how they faired, especially since few of the student judges were not Econs student. I think.

I like our presentation because we kept it simple. Even some without any Econs background would be able to comprehend what we are trying to say.

While coming back from Symposium, I was thinking about it in the cab. I realized in less than 2 weeks how 3 completely different people came together, discussed up a presentation, spent hours in school trying to perfect it and yet managed to have a lot of fun in the process. Before the Symposium I knew who Kemp and Mus were but I only knew them by face. I didnot know what kind of people they were, their personalities or character. But now I know a lot more about them and we have become good friends now. I guess facilitating this smooth transition between 3 strangers was Mr. Syn, who did not mind at all staying back with us as late as 9 pm, helping us with the presentation. We actually had to be chased out of the school by the school attendent. Lol. He stuck with us for the past 2 weeks and if we do get through to the finals, it'll be a tribute to his dedication, commitment and also his patience in putting up with us. He's a real cool guy and I found out he actually went to the Mosaic Music Festival to watch Rachael Yamagata. Lol!

How unfair! Everyone I know who knows and has heard of her went to watch her perform. Now I feel so left out. Anyway Guitar SYF tomorrow. Hopefully we can get a Gold with Honours or at least a Gold. After that I want to distance myself from the dirty politics going on in Guitar. I hate it. But it did help me to recognize who my true friends are and also allowed me to see the true character of some people whom I used to care for a lot. Oh well...

I was just having a chat with this old friend of mine, Ivan from UWCSEA. He was talking about how stressful his life is, especially with the IB around the corner. He was telling me that for the past 5 months he had no social life, no rest, no relaxation and even he gave up his jamming session with his band. Actually before he told me all of this, I messaged to him, complaining about how stressful my life is. Lol. Let's see, Common Test 2 just ended, Common Test 3 is in May. SAT is in June. Prelim is in August. A levels in November. Phew! Means mug mug mug. I better get on with it. I cannot afford to screw this up. If I do, I must learn how to use a broom cuz that's what I'll end up doing. *mugs*

Tired. Yawn.

Well maths was just maths. No comments.

Random thing to say. I realized that say out of 10 friends, 7 of them are like guys. I don't know why, but I just get along better with guys because I share similar interests with them and in a totally non-butch style so Ryan, Daryl and Salem, before you go all anti-butch on me, read the words in bold. Lol!

I am going to play Maple Story now. Yeah, gay girly childish but liberating. Spares me the headaches I get from playing Counter Strike and recently I have been getting pawned too many times. I couldn't even last 30 seconds into the game before some smart ass loser shot me dead. It was frustrating, considering how I used to be good at it.

I am off now! Tomorrow, I have lessons. Such a drag. YJ is extremely good at raining down on our parades, destroying our post exam euphoria. *shakes head* CBBB! Not the swear words lah. Okay maybe they are. But who cares? Bleaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh!

Update! Oh joy! :D

Heh! I have a Lit paper in like 2 hours and all I am doing is using the school computer, doing a whole lot of things with absolutely zero productivity. Which includes tagging Daryl's blog under Teewawa's name. Hahahahahah! And then next to me some guys are organizing their anti butch campaign. Lol! It all started on Saturday during the Chancellor's Shield when they came up with this anti-butch thing. It's seriously funny! Lol!

And History was so smoothly done! I love my darling! Muahahahaha! No comments Daryl! :D

Booring

Apparently I have been nominated by school to go to the parliament on Budget Day as a spectator. I haven't collected the circular yet so I have no idea when it is or how to get there. But it should be fun, considering after living here for 7 years I finally get to see Parliament House up close instead of just speeding by it in our car.

Also, I am allowed to go to the NTU Economics seminar which means $7 is going out of my pocket tomorrow. Gaaah! But I think it'll be fun, especially since it's Economics. Okay confession time. I really really really love Economics and see it as a religion. Why? Because I am too bored to have a constructive social life. Anyway, my inclination towards the subject is only natural since everyone says I take after my father. Looks, attitude, interest. Sheesh. Yet the irony is that I do not wish to venture into the profession of Journalism despite having a good grasp of English. I wish to pursue my own profession, not step into my father's shoes. Not that I don't admire him for his work, but I wish for individuality.

Now I have to go. Aimi is teaching me German! German rocks! After grasping Spanish and meddling a little with Portuguese, I finally turned my attention to German. Oh joy! XD

Friends, te amo!!!!!

You know I just realized that in my frantic search for the ultimate friend, I have neglected a lot of people, who actually care about me. The past few days I have been obsessive and compulsive about friendship, always finding faults in people, getting myself distressed over it. Why? Because I wanted that perfect friend who will love me for who I am, laugh at my lame jokes and will always be there to watch my back. But now I just realized that I do have perfect friends! Friends who always laugh at my jokes, love me for who I am, are concerned for me if I don't show up in school. Yet here I was completely oblivious to their presence. And I feel guilty about it. You guys know who you are and I apologise for everything! You guys seriously rock and life in YJ would be nothing without your constant jokes, jibes, puns and everything else. I realized today that I don't need universal popularity to survive in society. I just need a tight pack of really great friends. And I think I have finally found them. <3

The life of me.....

Everyone around me seem to be struggling with their emotions. Some are upset by the loss of a friend, some by the loss of a lover and other, they are just simply upset and depressed. I feel like the thorn among the roses or vice versa. Something inside me tells me that I should feel the same way as people around me. I blame my nature to compromise myself to fit in, but how can I be so incredibly emotionless in an environment where its habbitants are filled with emotions?

When I laugh at silly jokes that Kingsley makes, or have animated conversations with Daryl and Ying Xia or even excitedly gossip about people with NingSih, I feel like I am hiding something inside me. When I am around these people, are these my real emotions? Do I truly feel happy in the company of my friends? No, do not misunderstand my intentions, I love my friends. But sometimes I feel like I am faking everything to appear so happy and joyful in front of them. Daryl once said in his blog that he admires my livelyness, my ability to remain cheerful all the time, but I feel like I have been deceiving him.

I am not cheerful. I can't be happy. I don't have any ounce of optimism left inside me. Insecurites have become my best friend. Lonliness excites me. The perception of failure intrigues me. Why? Why am I always putting up this facade in front of people? Why am I unable to let them see me. The real me. The one who isn't always cheerful or happy. The one who has so many insecurites in her life that sometimes her only option remains death. I live in a dark world, this darkness that surrounds me. I feel like I have built an iron wall around me to shield myself from everyone. I do not want them to see my vulnerability. My weakness. It scares me, to think that someone may look past me and see how fragile I am.

Everyday I long for freedom, I long to be taken away from here and be free in a place where I won't be afraid of who I am. I want to be able to tell everyone that I am not the perfect little girl that everyone sees me as but merely another carbon based life form trying to find it's place in this vast cavity that we call the Universe. I just want to be given a small space to live, I want to detach my strings from fate, hide from destiny and disappear from everyone's eyes. I just want to be all by myself, invisible, and do whatever I want to. I don't want any obstruction, any hurdles, any David vs Goliath situations in front of me. I just want to be me. The one who's lonely, depressed and insecure but likes it the way it is.

<3! There you go! That's emo! Muahahahahahah! I just felt like writing this. Don't take this too seriously. I was just practicing my writing style. Feel free to comment on it. Adios!

Huh?

I want to write something but I am feeling horribly lazy to do so. I'll eventually get around doing it because you know my tendency to overly express myself, much to the annoyance of some people. Tsk tsk. Never mind.